The Rise and Fall of the Opossum King

Here’s the start of it all. Gather ’round children.

Ok, I was just standing in my garage, playing songpop, when I heard some kind of scratching noises, nothing too unusual, I thought. Bugs buzzing around the lights, I thought. Just then, the board covering my crawlspace entrance falls open.  There, as though he were Michael Jackson making his entrance to the stage, stands the ugliest opossum you’ve ever seen. With his freaky little monkey feet, and his rat’s tail, standing there, eyeballing me.  All I could think of, was, ‘where’s my gun ?’  knowing it was in the house, with him between me and the door. I knew if I scared him, he’d go back under the house, and I’d never get him out.  Slowly, I crept towards the door, my eyes never leaving his, his never leaving mine, I swear, he was smiling at me. Just as I started to open the door, he looked back into the crawlspace, half turning around, ready to dive to safety. “NO!” I screamed, in my  head, knowing I didn’t have time to get my gun, I had to improvise. The only thing in reach, was my fishing pole stand, I grabbed the first one I could, and shoved the end of it into the hole, between him and the crawlspace, in hopes of discouraging his retreat back into the hole. It must’ve worked, or he saw his chance to make a break for freedom. Anyway he took off for the open garage door, as fast as his weirdly independent legs, and monkey feet, would carry him.  Now, my garage, was far from neat or organized, so he was running under my table saw and bicycle, between some crates of Missy’s craft things, all with me right behind him. I was yelling, flailing about the place with my pole, I knocked over the bicycle, which in turn, knocked over a crate with a glass vase in it. The vase broke, and I beat the hell out of a one hundred-twenty dollar fishing pole, and didn’t even hit him, until he was outside rounding the corner to freedom, but he was gone!………….

Ok folks, this is serious now. just got home, from being out of town, the garage door was left open. I walk into the garage, (semi dark) I’m a little jumpy after the opossum incident the other night. I’m about half-way through the garage, when a strange cat jets out from behind a cooler, and runs, hell bent for leather, right past me, knocking stuff over, making a huge racket. I jumped back, may have screamed a little, (not sure if that was me or the cat) saw that it was a cat, and breathed a huge sigh of relief. When the cat cleared the garage, he stopped and looked back, I threatened him with the fishing pole, at about the same time I saw that the crawlspace door was open again. I felt like the girl in “when a Stranger Calls”, when she realizes the calls are coming from inside the house. I don’t know if the opossum’s in there or not, but I’m going in.  This time, I’m coming with something stronger than a fishing pole………………..stay tuned.

I went to Casey’s tonight, to get some milk. While I was gone, it dawned on me that I’d left my phone at home, no big deal, I was coming right back. So I get back home, walk into the garage and get ready to play songpop. Just then, my phone rings. The caller ID says its Missy, I reach to answer it just vas the door slams open, there, stood Missy, face gone pale. “Come here quick, I need your help!” ‘ Oh My God!’ I’m thinking, ‘ one of the kids is choking’ ‘ one of the dog’s is choking’ Hell, Maybe I’M choking, I don’t know, I’m dancing around like a fool, wondering what’s going on! So I take off and follow Missy, there she is, at the patio door pointing outside,  at what I didn’t know. Then, she moves aside, and I see it! There it is! it’s  come back for the end game, the reckoning, if you will. You know what I’m talking about, friends and neighbors. Bowl of cat food in one hand, water bowl in the other, sitting up proudly, on a bench, on the back deck, that’s right, the opossum1 He made the fatal mistake of thinking, a fishing pole was all I had, with which to defend my home. Friends and neighbors, I’ll spare you the gory details, suffice it to say, anyone listening closely, in a neighborhood, in Northeast El Dorado, may have wondered if that sound they heard was a gunshot. There’s only one person who knows what really happened out there tonight, and in the excitement and hubbub of the Raiders beating the chiefs, even he probably doesn’t remember for sure, but I bet we won’t see that opossum again……….